


Lead Me Through the Darkness

by katntrix



Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: Domestic, Eating Disorders, Established Relationship, F/F, Fluff and Smut, Mental Health Issues, Purging, Smut, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-23
Updated: 2019-03-13
Packaged: 2019-07-01 15:28:56
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 18,008
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15776898
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/katntrix/pseuds/katntrix
Summary: Katya and Trixie have been together for 6 years and freshly married. They are both in their 30's and working on finally settling down. Katya has a history with eating disorders, and their newly domestic lifestyle leaves her craving her old addictions: restricting included. This is ultimately a huge combo of fluff and smut mixed with some mental health issues.





	1. High on Her Purge

"Katya!" Trixie screamed up the staircase of their new home, "Breakfast is ready!"

Katya had always been an early-riser, taking to using her mornings to practice yoga and get everything ready for her day so that she can help Trixie as she rushes to get ready every morning. This morning, though, Katya found herself hitting snooze on a Saturday. She decided that she needed to catch up on her sleep after working overtime this week to help cover the wedding expenses that have added up (and that they are still paying off).  
Katya throws on one of Trixie's large t-shirts that go down to her knees, with just her black, lace panties on the bottom. She had no desire to have a meal, but she was too tired to scream that down to Trixie. She slowly descended into their still partly empty house and peeked around the corner into the kitchen. Trixie had set up a large plate of pancakes, a pot of coffee, and a tray of bacon and eggs on the marble island. She looked like a dream: her curves were easily seen through her sheer pink robe detailed with feathers around the hems. How was Katya supposed to say no to someone she adored so much?

"Morning babe," Katya rumbled as she still found her voice "I feel so hungover, I'm not even sure all of this food will help me" she chuckled softly.  
"Oh my god Katya," Trixie responded. She looked worried and seemed to be reading Katya clearly. "We barely drank, you had like, half a bottle of merlot." 

Katya began to realize she was making excuses. She wasn't sure why she didn't exactly feel like eating, but she hadn't caught herself lying her way out of a meal since she left her last inpatient visit. She had fought through facility after facility for years, until she had finally thought she beat her anorexia. At least she thought she did. She realized she hadn't responded back to Trixie and that she was zoning out.

"Babe? You okay?" She asked her worriedly. Katya quickly nodded her head. "Yeah yeah, maybe it's just the flu? I'm really not sure, I just know I feel like shit!" She smiled to try to lighten the mood. "Why don't you go take a hot shower and I'll make you a cup of tea," Trixie suggested "We can have a lazy day to recuperate" 

Laying around sounded enticing, as did being taken care of (even if there was no illness to care for), so Katya slowly padded up the carpeted stairs into the master suite and began her hot shower. She could hear glasses clinking in the kitchen and felt a sudden twinge of guilt for not eating the domestic breakfast Trixie had whipped up on the one day she was awake before Katya. She could tell Trixie was a little disappointed, but was more worried about Katya's health. By the time she had finished her shower, Trixie was waiting in the bathroom with a huge, fluffy pink towel to wrap Katya up in. 

"There's a cup of chamomile on the nightstand," Trixie whispered to Katya who noticed she was, in fact, hungry. She knew chamomile didn't have calories in it because she liked it unsweetened, so she decided it would be safe for her have. She found comfort in remembering the amount of calories in everything again. Counting and monitoring them was like a game, and it was a game Katya knew she could win every time. 

Without saying a word she lay under the duvet naked and took the warm mug in her hands. She smiled softly at Trixie so that she knew she was content, and Trixie went downstairs to the study to get some work done from the previous week. While left alone with her thoughts, she wondered why she was falling back into old behaviors. Getting older was lonely, work was hectic and stressful, having to pay bills and moving into a new home made her think that maybe it was all just from stress. She pushed that thought away, because she knew Trixie had helped her through her disorder before when it was from stress. She knew Trixie was her safe place, so maybe she should talk to her? No, it was just an off day, and she wouldn't want to worry her or have her watch Katya like a hawk. Katya sighed and realized she had finished her tea and felt her belly warm and full. She reached over to put the mug down and drifted off back to sleep.

 

 

"Kat? Are you like, dead or something?" Trixie nudged her playfully. "It's 3 in the afternoon, you can't have THAT much sleep to catch up on. Up!" She pulled the covers off of Katya who helpless reached for them with her eyes still closed. She was still naked, and the heat being stripped away from her left her shaking like a small dog.

She sat up slowly and immediately got dizzy. She knew she had slept too much, and her stomach was cramping from hunger. She groaned and finally reached to throw on sleep shorts and a plain white tank top. Trixie looked her up and down, "Jesus you look like shit. I made you some soup, I can warm it up for you." Katya thought about it, but felt that she wanted to see if she could make it an entire day calorie free--just like her game in the past. "What's gotten into you today, my little housewife?" She asked Trixie playfully. Trixie screamed out a laugh "I make more money than you do, you old hag! Now come have some soup." Katya's heart began to race, and she knew she would have to come up with another lie to get out of it. "Oh god, I can't even stomach to--oh, I'm ready to barf just thinking about it," Katya spurted out as she ran to the bathroom. She knew complaining of a stomach bug could get her out of it. She heard Trixie walking toward the bathroom to comfort her but stopped her as her feet were out the door, "Please don't come in Trix, I don't want you to see me like this." Trixie shifted her weight outside the door and said "I have literally peeled you off of the floor in a puddle of your own vomit, I think I can come hold your hair back." Katya panicked again, and knew a clever way to make her stomach bug more realistic. She took her finger and shoved it down her throat like she was so used to years ago, and her body instinctively remembered what it needed to do. She lurched forward as her body purged bile and chamomile tea. Trixie took that as the last straw and opened the door just as Katya heaved again. She held her hair and rubbed Katya's back, not even wincing at the smell and sound. Katya felt like a huge tang in her chest, but was relieved by the dopamine that filled her brain. She was on a rush, she was empty and she was happy. She knew Trixie would let her go back to sleep, and she killed two birds with one stone--a successful lie and a purging of calories that she didn't even take in. She was high on her purge as Trixie walked her to bed.


	2. Falling hard

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trixie begins to catch onto Katya’s restrictive eating behaviors, so Katya decides to distract her with some smut.

Katya awoke feeling like a weight was placed on her chest. Between the coming down from her purging high, her low blood sugar, and her oversleeping, she was dazed and confused. She slowly rolled over in bed to grab her phone. “2:15 AM”. She grumbled lowly and turned back over to see Trixie’s soft face asleep on the pillow next to her. She felt a tinge of guilt. Of all the people she had manipulated through her disorder, she never hid anything from Trixie. She thought about what her therapist from inpatient, Ginger, would tell her to do, “Admit that you are struggling and reach out. The only way we can know you need help is if you realize it yourself first.” Katya knew this is exactly what she would say. She rolled her eyes at the thought of admitting weakness. She just had an off day, it happens to everyone even this far into recovery. She got up slowly so as not to wake Trixie’s beauty sleep, and went downstairs to the kitchen. Her hunger was so strong she was craving anything and everything. “Fuck this,” she murmured, thinking about breaking the rules of her own game. She grabbed the pint of Halo Top ice cream out of the freezer, “A whole pint of ice cream for 340 calories? Oh honey!” She remembered Trixie saying when they had gone grocery shopping. She laughed softly and removed the top. Looking into the cookie dough ice cream, she stopped herself. Was this going to be worth all of her hard work avoiding calories the entire day? Should she really give it up now? She found herself staring at the ice cream until it melted, the internal battle in her head seeming to never end. 20 Minutes into her thoughts, she placed the top back on the ice cream and put it back in the freezer. Her disorder won today, and she was fine with admitting that. She felt strong for resisting her hunger and decided to waste time until morning by watching Contact, the movie she knew would put her in a better mood. By the time she dozed off again the credits were running and she was curled up on the couch with her favorite small blanket with a photo of her and Trixie’s wedding day printed onto it. 

 

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 

“Hey, Kat? I’m going to make you a doctor’s appointment.” Trixie softly rubbed her back until she woke up. “God,” Katya thought, “I can’t put her through this.” The worry on Trixie’s face pained Katya so badly she would be willing to eat an entire buffet if it made Trixie happy. “No, no Trix I’m fine. I actually feel so much better, I think I just really needed the extra rest to fight whatever bug it was.” “Are you sure? You haven’t had anything to eat and you’re probably dehydrated, it would just be a quick appointment.” “I am absolutely okay,” Katya said with a reassuring smile, “Hey, do you want to have some cereal for breakfast with me? I know it’s not as great as your housewife meal yesterday but I am STARVED!” She giggled. It was that suggestion that lead Trixie to believe Katya may be falling into old habits. She knew Special K cereal was one of Katya’s safe foods while she was recovering. She would be adamant to measure exactly the 1 cup serving everyday so she could ensure she was getting exactly 117 calories. Katya knew this when she suggested cereal for breakfast. She knew she didn’t want any calories, let alone 117, but she could handle a safe food if it meant making Trixie worry less. She did not realize that it only made her worry more. “Sure babe,” She said slowly, “But I can always make us another one of those breakfasts today!” Trixie knew she was pushing Katya’s limits, but she had to be sure that Katya wasn’t just suggesting cereal because she truly wanted it. “No!” She answered quickly, “I mean, not that I don’t trust your cooking! It’s just, you went through so much trouble yesterday just for it to be wasted. Let’s just have a lazy Sunday and have something simple!” Trixie looked into Katya’s eyes, “Bingo.” She thought. Katya smiled nervously as she headed to the pantry to retrieve her enemy: food. 

 

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 

Katya knew that Trixie knew. She knew by the look that Trixie had given her when she suggested cereal, and by the way Trixie watched her take every bite of her Special K secretly, like she didn’t want Katya to know she was watching. Katya felt anger bubbling up inside of her, she knew she wasn’t mad at Trixie, she was mad at herself. She wanted to get past this bump in her recovery, but she also wanted to win her game--and Trixie was stopping that from happening. In a final attempt to get Trixie off her trail, Katya attempted to make things as normal as possible. She knew what Trixie would want, and she knew it would distract her. While they lay under Katya’s favorite small blanket together, watching the Kardashians do absolutely nothing, Katya reached over and rested her hand on Trixie’s upper thigh. Trixie glanced over, trying to read Katya, but Katya kept a straight face forward towards the television. Trixie smiled knowingly. She drew small circles on Katya’s hand for awhile, finally reaching over to kiss her cheek down to her neck. Katya giggled and ran her hand up further so that it was now holding Trixie’s asscheek. “God, you’re so beautiful,” She said, “I can’t even get my hand around one of your cheeks. Your curves make me so wet, Barbara.” She said in her funny voice. Trixie smacked her arm playfully and screamed a laugh, “You’re so stupid. Just go upstairs.” Katya ran up the stairs into the bedroom and immediately grabbed the strap on. She was going to use her anger constructively today.

Trixie walked up the stairs slowly not knowing what to anticipate. When she reached the bedroom Katya was already ass naked fumbling to quickly put the harness of the strap on around her thighs. When she looked up she had a deep fire in her eyes. “Go to the bed.” She told Trixie in a demanding voice. It was deeper than her usual tone, and Trixie could feel herself already soaked by the sound of it. She obeyed, and Katya lay her on her back and quickly tugged off her sleep shorts and pink cotton panties. “Take your shirt off,” She demanded. Trixie obliged again, quickly pulling off her t-shirt and throwing it to the floor. She wasn’t wearing a bra, so she now lay naked looking up at Katya waiting for the next demand. “Get on your stomach.” Trixie wasn’t sure what had gotten into Katya, but she knew she must be desperate if she was going to skip foreplay and go straight to doggy-style. She heard the wetness of Katya spreading lube along the hot pink dildo attached to her harness. Before she could think anymore about Katya’s behavior she was being filled quickly, like Katya had a ravenous hunger. Katya took a few slow pumps to make sure Trixie was spread enough, and then immediately started fast, deep strokes. It felt good to move explosively. She took her anger out on Trixie’s pussy, making loud clapping sounds while she moaned under her. Trixie wasn’t sure the last time Katya fucked her this hard, but she was willing to take it. The pressure felt so good from being rammed inside of her that she was wet enough without lube or foreplay. Her nipples hardened and rubbed against the bed sheets with every stroke Katya took, pushing her that much closer to the edge. Katya groaned, “You want me to fuck you harder? Yeah?” She taunted. “Yes, please mama it feels so good” Trixie muttered brokenly and she had bounced back onto Katya’s fake pink dick. “You’re dirty Trix, let me fuck your brains out.” Katya moved faster and deeper, reaching forward to pinch both of Trixie’s nipples. The contact pushed Trixie over the edge until Katya felt a warm liquid flow from between her legs. “Good girl,” she said into Trixie’s ear and she slowed her pulses, finally slipping the dildo out from inside of her. Trixie immediately rolled over onto her back to come down. Katya spooned her for awhile before getting up to clean everything off. As she went to take a shower, she felt success. Trixie was no longer thinking about her behavior, she had wasted time and didn’t have to eat again, and the strenuous fucking turned out to be a good workout to burn off the 117 calories Katya had. She felt that Trixie surely wasn’t on her trail any longer. As the bathroom steamed up, she stepped foot in the shower smiling to herself. She knew she still had it in her to win her game. “Take that,” she thought to herself as she body checked the size of her arms and legs. She pinched the small amount of fat that covered her lower belly. “I’ll make you gone soon, you disgusting pig.” She said to it in a whisper. The warm water fell over her shoulders and her heart had started pounding. She grabbed onto the shower wall for support. Suddenly her legs began to give out, and the room became fuzzy. She knew this feeling and tried to fight it. She wanted to call out for Trixie but felt too weak to. The last thing she remembers is looking up at the shower head on the floor of the tub.


	3. Facing Fears

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Katya makes a trip to the ER, with special Ginger Minj appearance! Trixie is a sweet bean who is just worried.

Katya opened her eyes to Trixie speaking on the phone in tears, “Yes, yes, she’s waking up now hold on,” She said in a choked voice.   
“Kat…” She said softly, “The ambulance is on it’s way. What happened?” “I’m-I’m not sure” Katya sputtered out. She was sure. She knew it was from low electrolytes, low blood-pressure, low blood-sugar. She knew immediately from the pain in her chest that her body remembered how to shut itself down when she didn’t eat. “I don’t need the ambulance,” She argued as she began to feel more conscious. “You know there isn’t a choice Katya.” Trixie said softly. Katya hated the pain in Trixie’s eyes, but what she hated more was the conversation they were going to have to have once in the emergency room. Immediately Katya began to think of lies to make sure she wasn’t admitted to psych or transferred to an inpatient unit yet again. 

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
“Well, Ms. Zamo--Ms. Za,” Katya is fine, it’s easier.” “Yes, Mrs. Katya, your CBC was a little worrying to us given your history,” The doctor was a young, tall man with thick black hair. Katya felt an intense anger towards him for knowing her secret. She knew he was just doing his job, but she loathed him for doing it well at the moment. “With all due respect sir, I really just wasn’t staying hydrated and was doing some intense workouts,” She caught Trixie’s eyes and her lips twitched a smile “And I really am feeling better now. I think going home to rest will do me wonders.” “Well, Katya, we will have to run an EKG just to check out your heart to make sure it is recovering okay. Until then, you do have a visitor.” Katya looked at Trixie confused, who was biting her lip nervously. A faint knock on the wall next to the hospital curtain startled her, and Trixie answered faster than Katya could, “You can come in, Ginger.” She said. Trixie got up to move the curtain aside, and turned back to see Katya fuming while attached to an IV in the hospital bed. “I’m going to go get some coffee, I’ll be back soon babe,” she said as she looked down and walked out of the room. “I don’t need you her Ginger, I’m fine. I know Trixie probably called you worrying, but it really was just a fluke.” “Mhm,” Ginger answered while pretending to accept Katya’s explanation. “What did you have for breakfast today, Kat?” “I had cereal! See, I ate. I am fine, I really don’t need all of this worry focused on me.” “You mean, your one safe breakfast food?” Ginger was interrogating her, and Katya noticed her heart rate on the monitor increase. Not only was she angry, she was nervous. She didn’t want to be found out this soon. She still had weight to lose and wasn’t going to be able to do that with everyone hot on her trail this quickly in the game. “Can I just not crave cereal for a day?” “Of course you can, but it usually doesn’t happen that way the day after a ‘stomach bug’ where all you had was tea.” “Listen, Ginger, so I slipped up. So what? You know that happens. You know there are bumps in recovery and this is mine. This hospital visit is a wake-up call, I’ll be back home healthy as a horse soon and will have my appetite back. “Kat, we both know it’s nothing to do with your appetite. You’re hungry, you know you are. This is a mental health fluke, not a stomach bug. How long have you been trying to restrict?” “It’s literally only been two days.” “A small number doesn’t make it better sweet cheeks; if your body is already reacting this way that fast it’s telling you that it remembers what you’re doing to it and to stop immediately, otherwise the next time you black out you won’t be waking up.” Katya chewed the inside of her cheek, Ginger’s eyes showed nothing but compassion and a promise of health. “What triggered this?” Be honest.” “I dont know.” “Katya, stop being difficult. You know the only way to face this is head on. Tell me.” “I went to put on a pair of short the other week, and they were too tight. I hate that recovery means gaining weight. Nothing fit me, so I tried to be healthier. I went for walks, tried to keep my calorie intake where it needs to be but with healthier foods, and there was no change.” “So you thought turning back to your behaviors would be beneficial?” “This is the only way I know how to lose weight. I want to win the game. I want to be the skinniest person people have ever seen, and I’ve lost all of that progress because of recovery.” At that moment a nurse entered the room with a machine that was hooked up to wires with stickers on them. Ginger took that as her cue to leave, giving Katya a small smile as she squeezed her arm goodbye. “I’ll be back later, Kiddo. Try to get some rest.” 

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
Trixie returned right as Ginger closed the curtain behind her. “Hey, how was she?” Trixie asked intently. Obviously not good, she knew, but she was hoping speaking with the person who brought Katya through recovery once before would somehow help. “She’s...sick. She may not have returned to these behaviors for very long, but she’s hitting them hard. I can tell she’s ready to lie to me at the drop of a hat, and the fact that she’s lying to you now too worries me.” Trixie tried to hold back tears, “So what should we do? What should I do? What is the next step?” Ginger rubbed Trixie’s arm as tears began to fall down her cheek, “Well first step is to be there for her right now. Even if we get angry with her for this, or if she gets angry with us, we need to support her. I would say that intensive therapy would be fine, but I really don’t trust her back at home right now, especially if she is lying to you now as well.” Trixie wrung her hands together, “So, like, inpatient again? She’ll kill us. As soon as she gets out of there she’ll leave me for making her go back.” “I was thinking of speaking to her doctor here today. If they admit her for a few days, keep her on an IV and I come speak to her everyday about why she’s doing this, then maybe we can keep her out of inpatient if she does alright.” “Okay,” Trixie said softly. “Hey, Trix, it’s going to be okay. I’m here to support you too. I know it can be hard on your end to keep a smiling face for her. It’s okay to be scared, and it’s okay to be hurt. We’ll all make it through this.”  
Trixie smiled softly at her, “Let’s go check on her,” she said. 

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------   
When they entered the room, the nurse looked back at them and smiled, “Just finishing up!” she said enthusiastically. Katya glared at both Trixie and Ginger. They both knew she was upset, but they still needed to be there for her. “So it’s just going to print out this graph and we can sit and look at it together,” the nurse explained. As she pointed out different peaks of the graph, she said the doctor would be back in to discuss results. Her shoes clacked as she aggressively closed the curtain behind her. Ginger stood up, “I’m going to have a chat with the doctor about everything, okay doll?” Katya looked up at her and said nothing. She knew exactly what was going to happen. She would either have to stay her or be transferred to an inpatient facility. Ginger walked out slowly. “Kat, babe, how are you feeling? Do you need anything?” Trixie asked her hesitantly. “No,” Katya answered shortly. Trixie held her hand “We’ll get through this,” and Katya believed her. It was oddly comforting to know that Trixie was still willing to go through this with her again, especially after they had both assumed she was recovered and wouldn’t need to deal with it again. Katya wasn’t sure what was going to happen, but she was relieved that Trixie would be by her side.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! I'm glad you're all liking this work so far! Please remember that I am still practicing my writing, this is my first work! All of the comments have been really awesome to know what you guys have and haven't been liking, so thank you all! If you have any suggestions or anything as well you can comment them. :)


	4. Pale, Thin, and Broken

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Katya realizes she is hurting the one's she loves, but will it be enough to push her into recovery?

Four days had passed by. Katya was admitted to the hospital with the negotiation that Ginger made with the physician overseeing her. Ginger visited her everyday to have intensive sessions to get to the root of why Katya all of a sudden fell back to her old behaviors. A nutritionist came to provide a meal plan that Katya would have to follow while admitted. Her heart was constantly monitored, and she had a continuous IV to maintain her fluids. Trixie assumed things were going well. After the first night Katya told her to go home, go to work, and get rest. “Just act like nothing is happening,” She told Trixie with a twinge of attitude in her voice. Trixie was hurt, but wanted to give Katya space if she needed it. She returned home, went to work the next day, and dropped off some comfortable clothes for Katya at the hospital after work. When she arrived Katya was in tears and refusing her dinner. Trixie rushed into the room and went immediately to Katya’s side, “What’s going on?” She asked the nurse. “She won’t eat it. Her lunch has been sitting in front of her for hours and it was still here when I brought up dinner!” Trixie looked down at Katya, who was looking up at her like a lost, hurt puppy with tears rolling down her face. “Could you just give us a minute?” She asked the nurse. “Of course,” She replied while setting down the tray of food. Once Trixie was sure they were alone, she crawled next to Katya in her hospital bed. “Hey mama,” she said softly. “Relax for a minute okay? I’m not here to force you to eat.” Katya buried her face in Trixie’s neck and cried hard, “They don’t get it, these aren’t specialized nurses! They don’t know how to take care of me! It’s just so hard! They can do my medical stuff but--God! They just can’t do this ED stuff!” She said into Trixie’s neck between sobs. Trixie rubbed Katya’s back, “Sh, stop worrying about that right now. Pretend you’re not in this hospital. We’re back at home, your rubbing my feet, and we’re watching Contact on the couch together.” Katya gave a short laugh, “That's definitely a fantasy. Me rubbing your feet?” Trixie smiled softly down at her. “I love you,” She said to Katya. Katya looked back up at her, “I love you. Thank you, Trix, for being here. I know I was a total bitch but I was just upset that I had to be here. I know you just wanted to be here for me. I’m so sorry.” She started to cry again. Trixie lay her head on top of Katya’s, “Don’t be sorry,” she whispered as she started to cry softly too, “We’re gonna get you through this.”

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------   
Katya had been refusing her food for the four days she was in the hospital. Ginger tried to get her to eat every time she visited for sessions, but Katya felt a strong resentment towards eating. “The nutritional facts they think are in this is trash,” She sputtered to Ginger. “You think I don’t know they’re lying to me? I know there’s almost 1,000 calories in this breakfast alone!” Ginger sighed, “You know, not everyone is out to get you Katya.” “But they are! They just want to fatten me up and get me out of here!” she refuted. “No one is trying to ‘fatten you up’, we just want you to be healthy.” Ginger said as she shook her head. “Healthy does mean fat you ignorant bitch.” Katya spat at her. “Alright, that’s enough for today. I’m checking in with your doctor and I’ll be back tomo--” “Wait. Ginger, no. I’m sorry. I don’t know why I spoke that way to you I didn’t mean it and I-” “it’s okay, Kat. I’ll see you tomorrow.” As she walked out Katya was left alone with the beeps of monitors beside her. Trixie was still at work, and she hadn’t told anyone else she was admitted. She cried silently to herself, “Why am I treating people I love this way?” She thought. Katya fell asleep with tear-stained cheeks thinking about why she was pushing everyone away yet again.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------   
By the time Trixie came to visit Katya that evening, she wasn’t surprised to hear her being a difficult patient yet again. Every night she had come to visit her, she was walking in on Katya putting up a fight. Trixie walked in the room and sighed, “What’s going on this time?” She asked jokingly, but noticed the seriousness on the nurse's face. Immediately she walked over to Katya, noticing that she was shaking with her hands buried in her hands. “What’s going on here?” Trixie asked more sternly this time. “She’ll need to be transferred to an inpatient facility. Things are not working out here for her and we feel she will only be able to return to health with specialized care.” The nurse informed her. Trixie sunk down next to Katya, who was sobbing into her hands. Trixie didn’t want to see her go to inpatient almost as much as Katya didn’t want to. She knew visitations were limited, the patients exchanged tips on how to fight the system, and she knew it would completely break Katya to have to go back. “When?” Trixie looked up at the nurse. “There’s a bed available at a facility a few hours away. They could take her in as early as tomorrow evening.” “Okay,” Was all that Trixie could reply. The nurse took it as her cue to leave, and Trixie was left holding a broken Katya in her arms. “I’m so sorry, I’m sorry Trix. Oh my god, I didn’t think you would have to deal with this again, you’re so good to me I am so sorry.” Katya mumbled her apologies over and over while crying, and Trixie rubbed her arm and brushed her tears away, “I told you, Kat. We will get through this. Don’t worry.” “Can you call Ginger?” Katya asked like a child asking for a treat. “I’m sure she already knows babe, but sure.” Trixie got up to call Ginger in the hall, turning around to look at Katya. She was still hooked up to monitors and an IV, and she lay looking completely defeated. She was pale, thin, and broken, and all Trixie could do for her was go through everything with her again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WOOOO! Another chapter! I'm so glad you guys are liking this so far. Should I make the chapters longer? I've been having a blast writing this piece and I love the feedback. Keep it comin'!


	5. Defeat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Katya enters treatment for her eating disorder, and realizes her loss of control.

“Hi! Welcome to Chapman Recovery Center! I’m Nicole, I’m like your sponsor but for ED’s!,” A chipper voice said with a giggle. Katya looked her up and down. She was scrawny, young, and tall. Her long brown hair was thinning and katya could swear she saw scars on her arm. “Hey,” Katya responded, “Can we tone down the happiness for like, 3 days? Let me mourn my freedom first?” Nicole gave her a soft smile, “Sure,” she said understandingly, “I get it. This is kind of just a perky bitch persona the staff has here.” Trixie and Nicole introduced themselves and brought Katya’s luggage to her room. Katya was given a thin white hospital gown to wear for her admission check. She was instructed to sit on a check-up table in a room that was far too cold for her liking. She jiggled her leg to try to keep her body warm while she waited for what she knew was to come. A nurse who was around 40 knocked softly and entered the room. She was overweight and had fried blonde hair. “Hey, Yeke--” “Katya,” she responded immediately. “Ah, yes. Well that will help! Katya, we’re just going to do a quick body check, a mental assessment, take a snapshot of you and then do a quick weigh-in! Do you have any questions for me?” “This isn’t my first rodeo, Deborah,” Katya responded as she hopped off the table, ready to show any bruises or scars she already has so they know if she makes new ones. 

While nurse Deb (her actual name was Chantel, but Katya refused to change her mind) took Katya’s face shot, Katya asked,”Any way I can get a smoke?” “No hun, I’m sorry. You’re smoke breaks are limited while you’re here. Your floor nurse Cindy will keep your pack and give you four cigarettes a day. Let’s head over to the scale, yep, back towards the numbers.” Katya moved slowly while facing out towards Deborah while she wrote the numbers that appeared on the scale. Katya thought it was stupid that she couldn’t see her weight, she weighed herself everyday and knew she was sitting at a pretty 104. Deborah gave no indication of shock by her weight, which made Katya almost feel inadequate. “Okay sweetpea you can go unpack now. I’ll see you at 10 PM for vitals. She handed Katya her clothes back--black leggings, a black hoodie, and some bright red flip flops--and turned her back while Katya dressed herself. Katya knew she would never see a moment of alone time again until she got out of Chapman. 

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Hey, Nicole seems nice.” Trixie greeted her. “Hm,” Katya grunted in response. She made her bed silently with the pillow and blanket Trixie packed for her. “I know she’s like, super young, but maybe you should try to talk to her? She told me she’d save you a spot at dinner.” “Am I in high school again? I thought those years were past me. I’ll be fine without alliances,” Katya spat back. Trixie knew she was a bundle of nerves, but was still hurt that until she got to visit next this is how she’d remember Katya. They both hung Katya’s clothes in silence, both tense. Out of nowhere Trixie noticed a single tear fall down Katya’s cheek. “I feel like a failure,” Katya said softly. Trixie wrapped her around tightly around Katya, “No, babe, you aren’t a failure. You’re strong for being here. I’ll be here whenever I can, and I’ll always pick up whenever you’re allowed to call.” Trixie pulled away and looked at Katya in the eyes, “You can do this.” She kissed her slowly and tried to hold back tears thinking about going home to an empty bed once again.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
Once Trixie went home Katya was left to settle into her room. Her case worker, Jillian, came to bring her daily schedule. Because Katya wasn’t in school anymore, most of her day was elective classes or therapy sessions. She was used to a schedule similar to this in her previous recoveries, so even group therapy didn’t seem too daunting. The only difference at Chapman included family therapy, and couples therapy. Katya thought about offering up couples therapy to Trixie, so she figured she would talk to her therapist about it later. She was given a long list of her care team, which included a therapist, psychiatrist, nutritionist, case worker, RN, and CNA. She knew she would never remember all of their names, so she gave up even trying to learn them. Katya knew her biggest problem would be the rules; she was used to the standard inpatient expectations, but she wasn’t looking forward to being escorted to the bathroom and always having her door open. Jillian came and tapped quietly on her open door, “Time for dinner! Nicole will walk you down.” “Great,” Katya thought to herself. She realized she had been crying in her bed for about two hours now. “What a great start to impress everyone,” She thought. She tried to hide her puffy eyes from Nicole, though she wasn’t sure why she was trying to impress a teenager. “Don’t worry,” Nicole whispered, “I cried for like 12 days straight when I first got here. It gets easier.” Katya knew she was just trying to be nice, but the anxiety of having to go to her first meal here made her resent Nicole at the moment for seeing her weakness. Once in the dining room, she was able to see that the facility itself was actually pretty small. There were only about 15 girls at one long table. Each had a different meal catered to their diet plan, but all had a glass of milk and a glass of water that they were expected to finish. Katya had only ever been to large inpatient facilities, where everyone was served the same high-calorie slop. She was happy to see that she would be seen as an individual here, and someone was going to take the time to make her meal specifically for her. The meal time rules were simple: eat everything you’re given within 30 minutes, and be prepared to be watched. You couldn’t shake your leg, wear baggy clothing, bring in any bags, or wear your hair down. Katya knew the reasoning behind all of these rules because she was the one who used to break them long ago. Her and Nicole took their seats at then end of the table and waited for a staff member to bring them their plates. A plate of chicken breast, rice, and vegetable was put in front of Katya. It looked good, like something her mom would probably make. It was simple, but Katya figured they probably didn’t want to scare her into eating anything crazy on her first day. Nicole nudged her, “You’ve been staring at your food forever, you only have 20 minutes left.” A staff member came up behind Katya as a way to intimidate her into eating. She knew they would be lax about the rules on her first day, and she could just play dumb, but she genuinely couldn’t bring herself to take a bite of her food. She cut a piece of chicken and put in on her fork, but wouldn’t bring it up to her mouth. Before she knew it some girls had already finished their meals, and went to bring their plates into the kitchen. She shoved a piece of steamed broccoli into her mouth. She chewed it 50 times before she swallowed it. She immediately felt nauseous, and a pang of anger boiled inside of her. She turned around to the staff who was watching her eat. “I can’t do this,” She said. They seemed caring at first, asking if she wanted a counselor to come down and talk her through her meal. “No, I just don’t want to fucking eat it. I’m not.” Katya knew she was being childish, and could tell the staff was losing their patience. “Katya, according to the hospital that sent you here, you haven’t eaten for almost five days. If you decide not to comply, you know the consequences,” they warned. She did know. It’s happened to her before: NG tube. When she was younger she wore her tube as a badge of honor; she was strong enough to resist food even in a center specifically designed to get her to eat. However, now that she was older, she knew how miserable this tube is. She knew how uncomfortable it was, how terrifying it was to be under no control of what they pump into you, she was petrified. She stared at her food for a moment, but realized she was more petrified of it going into her mouth than she was of it going straight into her stomach. “Tube me,” she responded defiantly. The staff eyed each other, then took her plate away and paged for the nurse. Katya stood up slowly, so as not to fall over from her lightheadedness, and began her march of shame towards the same room she had gotten her first vital check earlier that day. Her last thought before entering the room was of Trixie.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WOOO another chapter! Sorry this one took so long to get out, I wanted to start making them a little longer! let me know how this is for y'all!


	6. Barbie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hi enjoy some Trixie POV sluts!!!!!!!!!!

Katya lay still in her bed the next morning as she heard everyone else stir to get to breakfast. The silent whir of her feeding tube still going next to her. Her nose burned, and her face was sticky with sweat under the sticker that kept her tube attached to her face while she slept. She knew they called Trixie, but she asked for her not to come visit. It’s not that she didn’t want to see her--she was dying to--but she didn’t want Trixie to see her defeated. A soft knock came from her open door.  
“Katya?” A soft voice that Katya recognized as Nicole asked.  
“You can come in,” She responded.   
Nicole took only a small step into Katya’s room whose walls were still bare in hopes of her leaving quicker than she anticipates.   
“I know you can’t come down to breakfast, so you won’t get to hear me talk shit about everyone,”   
Katya gave a small smile, she was warming up to her young teenage “mentor”.  
“But I’ll be back up afterwards before our first group therapy. Also, Nurse Chantel said you can head in for your vitals check.”  
“Who is nurse Chantel? Oh--Deb! Debbie, my pal.”   
Nicole laughed at that, “She told me that you will only call her that. It fits her. See you after breakfast.”   
Nicole turned and walked down the hall towards the dining room. Katya slowly got out of bed and stretched, feeling her stomach full and after a good night's rest she actually felt ready to take on her day of recovery. She put on the slippers that Trixie bought her for Christmas three years ago and padded over to the door that said “Vitals” decorated by what looked to be a four-year-old. Deb beckoned her in, “Come on, Kat! I’m waitin’ on you today girly.” Katya smiled at her, she seemed like the most real person in this place. Katya trusted her.  
“Alright hun you know the drill, top off and show me your arms.” Katya was used to this routine. She showed Deb all of her skin, and while she was being weighed Deb finally mentioned the elephant in the room, “So they tubed yan huh?” She asked.  
“I kind of did it to myself, but yes.”  
“It doesn’t mean you’re any weaker. Does Barbie know?”   
Katya wheezed in laughter, “You mean my wife? Trixie?” “Yeah, Barbie.” “Yes, she knows,” Katya said as Deb began to take her blood pressure.   
“Well she’ll keep you straight on your path here. Get better for yourself, but then realize that once you can be happy you can give her happiness too.”  
Katya’s eyes began to water. “Thanks, Deb. Can I call her?”  
“Well, you know phone hours aren’t until after lunch…”   
Katya stuck out her lower lip like a toddler.  
“Fine, but tomorrow morning I expect you not to keep those batteries in your pocket during weigh-in.” Nurse Deb said. Katya was shocked that she realized, but instead of protesting headed towards the small cubicle with the phone in it. She dialed Trixie’s cell, and before the first ring was even finished Trixie answered abruptly, “Hello? This is Trixie. Is Katya okay?” “Trixie! Babe! Hey, I’m fine. I just wanted to call you. I miss you.”   
She heard Trixie breathe a sigh of relief.  
“Hey honey! I miss you too. It’s not calling hours though, so I figured something was up. How are you feeling? I heard about the tube, but listen, just think of it like a short cut! Your body will feel better and then you can tackle eating again.”  
Katya felt a wave of emotions, “I--yeah.” She wasn’t sure how to respond. She wanted to cry to Trixie, but she didn’t want her to be more worried, but she knew that being stand-offish will make Trixie not only worry more but also be irritable. There was no escaping the harm this disorder was causing their relationship, even though both loved each other so hard.  
“Trix, I love you.”   
“I love you t--”  
“Will you visit me the next time you can?”  
“I thought you didn’t want me to?”  
“Well I do now.”   
“Sure, babe. I’ll see you soon. Stay strong.” Katya clicked the phone and put it back on the small desk in the cubicle. She realized that today she would have to face a lot of emotions she had been putting off.  
\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
Trixie knew she hadn’t called Pearl nearly as much as she should have, but now that things were calming down with Katya in a stable place she figured she owed it to her best friend to keep her updated.

“Trix? Hey girl! God, you bitch, you haven't talked to me in like two weeks!”  
“Hey Pearl,” Trixie said with less enthusiasm, “It’s been….hectic. I’m so sorry.”  
“What? What’s going on?” 

Trixie realized she hadn’t spoken about how she felt about Katya to anyone; she was more concerned about making sure Katya was safe and okay before thinking about taking care of herself. She realized she was crying to Pearl on the phone,

“Katya had to go back to recovery. She’s at Chapman and everything is fine now but I feel like shit. I’m sorry, the first time I call you in two weeks and it’s me complaining.”  
“Trixie oh my god stop. You know that’s what I’m here for. Do you want me to come over?”

Trixie stopped and looked around the house. It was cleaner than it usually was with Katya around, but not nearly to her standards. She felt suddenly overwhelmed and sank to the floor crying harder. Pearl interrupted her thoughts, 

“I’m on my way.”  
\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
Katya remembered the nosebleeds, the feeling of fullness, and the skin irritation of the feeding tube, but she couldn’t remember how much it made her feel like a failure all while giving her anxiety about gaining weight. While she was stuck dealing with the miserable side effects she was still trying to get used to the idea of feeling full--against her will. Most of her day was therapy. Now that she didn’t need to go to mealtime she was left with a lot of free time, in which there were still a set of strict rules: no pacing, no exercise period, no phone, no internet, no outside walks, no bathroom breaks, and no shit talking. Katya was able to fill her freetime with her two cigarettes she was allocated during the day, and a lot of napping. She hadn’t really reached out to any of the girls, so her day was mostly lonely. Hersel and two others who were tubed sat in the common area awkwardly while exchanging silent glances at one another. Katya knew they were sizing her up, thinking “How is she tubed? She’s not even thin enough to be in here in the first place.” After enduring the horror that was “socializing” Katya realized her best bet would be to sleep. All she could think about was Trixie coming to visit her.  
\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
Pearl opened the unlocked door and found Trixie crying into a pint of Halo Top. Ironically, the same pint that Katya had debated binging. Pearl put her purse on the kitchen island and sat cross-legged on the floor next to Trixie. She slowly took the spoon from her hand and placed the ice cream aside. Trixie looked up at her, “I’m sorry Pearl.”  
“Stop being sorry. This isn’t just about Katya, you need some help too, girlfriend.”  
Pearl stood and reached her hand out to Trixie to pull her up,  
“Where are we going?” Trixie asked.  
“To get you to look like a human being, and then out.”  
“Pearl, I don’t know if I’m up for it right now. I was going to visit Kat and--”  
“You need mental sanity, bitch. Let’s go.”  
Trixie thought about how she hadn’t really done anything these past two weeks besides work and visit Katya. She was in dire need of a cocktail and a way to relieve her stress. A good night out with Pearl would definitely do the trick.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey yooooo!!!!!!!!!! It has been a minute. Things have been hectic but I am BACK! This chapter will lead into a great next one. Let me know what you guys want to see more of!


	7. Dead Beat Wife

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Katya expects a visit from Trixie, but Trixie needs to take care of herself first.

The heavy bump of bass and the first sip of gin sent Trixie into sky-high mode. She forgot about going out and hadn’t thought of a way to relax since Katya got sick. Pearl knew that she needed a release, and she was determined to make Trixie forget everything that was pulling her down. By the time they had reached their third drink, Trixie was finally smiling and sweating on the dance floor with Pearl. They stepped out for Pearl to have a quick smoke, and Trixie finally explained everything that had happened.   
“And I just--I just love her so much,” Trixie began to feel her eyes fill with tears  
“Trixie, she knows that. Everyone on this damn planet knows that. She will get better, and you’ll be by her side the entire time, but you have to make sure you’re ok to make sure she's ok. Does that make sense?”  
“It does. I’m so happy we came out, I didn’t realize how much I needed this. All i’ve done is work and sit in the depressing day room of Chapman.”  
“Let’s get another round of drinks, it’s on me bitch.”  
Three more drinks later, the bar was finally closing. Pearl ordered them an uber and saw that Trixie made it home. As soon as she walked in the door she checked her phone, only to see 13 missed calls from Chapman. Her heart pounded as she thought of the possibilities the phone calls could be--worst case scenario is Katya being dead. Her fingers fumbled to call back as quickly as possible, but there was no answer. Trixie’s mind raced as she tried to sober herself up to think of what to do. She called Pearl, who was now in her uber back to her own apartment.   
“Pearl, Chapman called 13 times and they didn’t answer when I called back. I think Katya’s dead I don’t know what to do and--”  
“Shut up, I’m turning around. Breathe, did they leave a voicemail?”  
“No! No, they wouldn’t tell me she’d dead over voicemail! This is my fault for going out I was supposed to-”   
Trixie remembered that she was supposed to visit Katya this evening, it would be the first time since Katya had refused the visit after she got tubed.   
“FUCK! FUCK I FORGOT!”  
“Forgot what? Hellooo? Fill me in!”  
“I was supposed to visit Kat tonight. I just completely blew her off right after she finally wanted me to see her. And then I didn’t answer my phone.”  
“Shit Trix, this is my fault.”  
“It’s not, Pearl. You didn’t know. Just get here and let’s go make sure she’s alive.”

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------   
“Deb! Has she answered yet?”  
“Not yet Katya, I’ll call her again in 5 minutes. It’s only an hour into visiting hours.”  
Katya wrang her hands in her lap, sitting waiting for Trixie’s radiant smile and sharp contour to come through the door to their day room, where visiting hours took place. Nicole’s mom had come and brought her a stuffed Teddy Bear, and told her stories about her little brother trying on one of her bras. Katya noticed that a lot of people didn’t usually have visitors, and considered herself lucky to live so close and to see Trixie almost everyday. She felt guilty for telling her not to come, and wondered if maybe Trixie wasn’t showing up because of how she lashed out at her and told her she didn’t want her to see her this way. Deb walked up to Katya,  
“Time to change your bag hun,” as she pushed buttons on Katya’s Kangaroo feeding machine.  
“The roo needs a refill!” She said in an Australian accent, trying to keep her sense of humor up to avoid crying. As Deb fumbled around with changing Katya’s bag of liquid nutrition, She felt a pang in her chest. She was used to feeling worry, guilt, even anger but this pang was different. She quickly grabbed for her chest.  
“Ow! What the fuck,” Was her immediate reaction.  
“Everything okay?” Deb questioned slowly  
“Yeah that was just a weird pain in my chest, not sure why that happened. Probably stressed about Barbie! If this anxiety kills me make sure to tell her it’s her fault!” Katya giggled a little, causing the pain to shoot up again.  
“OW! Fuck!!!!!”  
“Katya, let’s get you into the vitals room and check everything out.”  
“Debbie, buddy, listen. I got nothin’ to worry about. Just my deadbeat wife who stood me up!” As Katya’s vision started to fade, she heard Deb call for backup. Debbie helped her to the ground and saw Nicole start towards her,  
“Help her! Is she okay? Oh my god,”  
The last thing she saw were worried faces hovering over her speaking frantically for each other.   
“Call Trixie,” was the only thing she was able to sputter out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is this too short?? Let me know! I know I haven't posted in awhile so I wanted to give y'all a little more trixya since I know I always crave it!


	8. We All Need Therapy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Katya gets a wake up call, and Trixie is starting to feel the pressure of having an ill wife

When Katya opened her eyes, and was in her room at Chapman with Trixie sobbing over her. Nurse Debbie was whispering lowly to Pearl, who had a grim look on her face.  
“Morning, fuckers,” Katya grumbled  
“Oh my god!” Trixie jumped “Kat you asshole! You scared me. Don’t joke around right now,” she threatened.   
“What, am I dying?” She said with a smirk. Pearl and Trixie turned to Nurse Debbie.   
“Yes, Katya.” Deb answered with a straight face. Katya’s heart started racing.   
“The physician came in earlier while you were still out cold. He said if you don’t start overcoming these habits soon, you have probably a year left. Your heart can’t handle it Katya, we need to move your recovery along at a faster pace.”  
Trixie bit her bottom lip to keep in from quivering; Katya could tell she was holding back tears. Pearl excused herself to give them a more intimate moment.  
“So you’re telling me I’m in here against my will, tubed, and going to endless therapy just to end up dying anyway?”  
“Kat it’s not a time to get upset,” Trixie started. “This is your wake up call. Everyone is doing everything they can but it’s time for you to step up now too.”  
“She’s right,” Debbie chimed in. “We aren’t discrediting the work you’ve put in, but it’s time to amp things up. We talked to your case worker, and there’s going to be more therapy, solid food as well as your tube, light exercise to keep your heart healthy, and a huge intake of fluids.”  
Katya laughed, “You guys are horrible pranksters. You suck!” She laughed even more, stopping when she realized Deb and Trixie weren’t laughing.   
“Oh, fuck,” She said. “You’re serious?”  
“Yes babe,” Trixie said as she grabbed for her hand. Tears fell silently down her face as she struggled to make eye contact with Katya.   
“I’ll let you two talk,” Deb said as she stepped out quietly.   
\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------  
“And to think they can just throw all of this on me! You tell me I’m dying and then follow that up with I have to work harder?!” Katya said firmly and furiously.   
“Kat, babe, I need you to listen. We are not doing this make you mad, we aren’t doing it just because, we are only saying these things because we don’t want to see you lose your life to this.” Trixie held firm in her explanation, something she struggled with when Katya got upset. She was used to giving into her and letting her escape things that were too hard, but she was not going to let the love of her life die when there’s something that could be done to stop it.  
Katya was silent, thinking. She had never seen Trixie so serious about something. She decided to follow her therapist’s advice, and to allow herself to feel what she was actually feeling. Tears fell from her face as she looked up at Trixie,  
“Im scared,” she said quietly. Trixie’s tears began as well  
“I know. I’m scared too, but let’s do this together okay? I’m so sorry I wasn’t here last night, I’m sorry. I will be here everyday with you, and we’re going to fight this.”  
They sat and cried together for quite awhile before Pearl knocked softly,  
“Hey, Kat, I’m sorry. Trixie not being here was my fault. I made her come out with me because I felt like she needed a break...I feel so guilty. I’m sorry.”  
“It’s okay Pearl, Trixie does need to take care of herself too.” Katya said looking at Trixie with concern.  
“We’re all just a bunch of messes,” Trixie laughed through sobs. “We all need therapy.”  
\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------   
At Katya’s therapy session that day, she brought everything up to her therapist.   
“I was given all of that information, Katya. We’re all here for you. We’ll all do whatever you need us to do to keep you healthy,” She said in response.   
“I think I want to do couples therapy.” Katya said shortly.  
Her therapist raised her eyebrows, not expecting Katya to launch herself into new things so quickly. She was expecting a fight from Katya, not a break-through.  
“Why do you think we should do that? Did you and Trixie have a fight?”  
“No,” She said “I want us to both know how to get rid of this thing and I’m going to need as much help as I can get. I want to do this with her, and for myself.”   
“Katya that’s very selfless of you, but you have to be able to do this by yourself. An outside party can’t be the only reason you want to stay alive.”   
“It isn’t. I want to be alive to be alive, but I can’t leave Trixie with no information. What if something like this happens again? She needs to know what’s happening and we have to get to the nitty gritty. I can’t die because of this. I have to do everything I can,” Katya said quickly. She went into every part of her day determined to try to fix herself immediately.  
\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
Katya entered vitals that evening feeling great. She was full from her feeding tube, and talked through it during group. A lot of girls said the best way to cope with fullness was to focus on something else, just like Katya used to do when her stomach screamed from hunger. She threw herself into writing poetry, a lot specifically for Trixie. She knew that if there was no coming back from this, she wanted to leave Trixie with a piece of her. She greeted Debbie with a smile.  
“Hey girly! In a good mood I see,” Deb said cheerfully.  
“I’m going to fix this,” Katya answered matter of factly.   
“One step at a time sugar, let’s see your arms please,”  
Vitals twice a day was a routine Katya would always find comfort in. Her and Deb could have flawless conversation all while Katya stood half naked getting checked for self-harm, getting weighed back toward the scale, getting her temperature and blood pressure checked. This time though, both were silent.  
“I’m worried about you sweetie,” Deb finally admitted after taking the blood pressure cuff off of Katya’s pale, boney arm.   
“Me too,” Katya admitted also, her lip quivering thinking about her possible death.   
“They told me you’ll be back on solid food tomorrow with your tube too, do you think you’re going to be okay doing that?” She asked, the neousness in her voice not concealed like it usually is.  
“We’ll find out, won’t we Deb? Your guess is as good as mine.” Katya hopped down from the exam table.  
“You’ve only gained 2 pounds. We’re going to have to push for a little more next time, okay?”  
Katya’s heart pounded to hear the words “gained”, but she kept her composure and nodded. Accepting death did seem a lot easier to her after hearing that, btu she reassured herself that she wanted to get better and be able to see where her life would take her.  
\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
“I want you to come to couples therapy,” Katya said as soon as Trixie answered the phone.  
“Oh wow, hi to you too,” Trixie laughed, “You don’t think our relationship is okay either? Wow Katya, I’m hurt.”  
“Shut up you bitch,” Katya giggled, “I want to work on this, and I’m going to need you to know tools for this too. Do you want to?”  
“Yes, duh. When can we start?”  
“Well what about your work schedule? I have therapy at 2:30 there’s no way that would work and-”  
“2:30 is fine. I’ll take a late lunch then and come.”   
“Are you sure?”  
“Yes,”   
“I love you,” Katya said softly  
“I love you more, you nimrod,” Trixie said with a soft smile.   
\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
Trixie: Hey Pearly, sucking up my pride and asking to chat.   
Pearl: hey, hows everything going?  
Trixie: It’s the same right now. Nothing will change overnight which sucks. We’re doing couples therapy.  
Pearl: What the fuck lmao why  
Trixie: So I can know how to help her  
Pearl: ohhhhhh, how have you been doing tho?  
Trixie: I’ve been better, obvi lol the house is so lonely at night.   
Pearl: Do you want me to come over?  
Trixie: nah, I’m headed to bed anyway. Coffee tomorrow?  
Pearl: 4:15 good? Can’t wait to hear more of your woes <33333  
Trixie: Cunt. See you at 4:15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello frickers. Thanks to everyone who is liking this! Give me more suggestions. Also big thanks to Lulufeca for suggesting I make a blog, so follow me AND her on tumblr: lulufeca and katntrix!


	9. Facing Demons

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Katya and Trixie become ready to change both of their lives for themselves.

Katya’s therapist’s name was Jinkx. She was kind and patient, and listened to Katya while encouraging her to move forward in her recovery. Katya liked her, but couldn’t see any good leadway in the future without Ginger. She begged Chapman and her case worker to bring Ginger in for couples therapy, and after communication with Jinkx, Ginger was finally able to come in. As soon as she came in the door Katya ran to hug her like a child when their parent comes home from work.  
“I haven’t even gotten my jacket off yet Kat, don’t touch me.”  
“I’m sorry, I’m just so happy to see you. I knew they would call you in if I told them you’d save my life,” Katya said softly.  
“We’ve done it before and we’ll do it again; I’d say I’m qualified to cheat death the amount of times we’ve done it for you.” Ginger smiled softly at Katya.   
The two walked to Jinkx’s office to give Ginger updated notes, and for the therapists to talk professionally. Katya sat beaming as the two talked privately in the hallway. She was never excited to start a session, but she was so comfortable with Ginger that she actually felt motivated to crack down on herself. It was time to face her anorexia head on.   
“Ok bitch, let’s get to it,” Ginger said as she sat across from Katya.  
\------------------------------------------------------------------------------   
Trixie got to Starbucks at 4 on the dot. She was never late to anything, even coffee dates. For some reason she felt anxious about talking to Pearl, she had a lot she needed to get off her chest. Between work, living alone, and visiting Katya she felt strung out. The house wasn’t as clean as she liked it, she was too tired to try to exceed her boss’ expectations, and she just felt extremely average for once in her life; all while trying to support Katya and face her deteriorating health condition. Pearl strolled in around 4:23, unsurprisingly to Trixie. She knew Pearl was late to everything, but it didn’t stop her from hoping she wouldn’t be each time. Once they had settled with their drinks, Trixie felt a wave of emotion.  
“Pearl, what if Kat doesn’t make it?”  
“Trixie you know she will, she always has. It was enough of a wake up call, and she has you to bring her through it.”  
“Even if she’s motivated it doesn’t mean her body can keep bouncing back. We’re older, her heart can’t keep doing this,”  
“You guys aren’t fucking 80 dude--well, maybe Kat is,” Pearl said with a smirk.  
“Shut up. I don’t know how I’m supposed to deal with this,” Trixie admitted.  
“Don’t you have your first couples therapy tomorrow with Ginger? That should help. You know you can talk about yourself too, Trix. You need to,” Pearl said.  
“But I don’t…” Trixie responded slowly.  
“Exactly. It’s time to. Both of you need an entire lifestyle change. The caretaker needs care too, and she needs your support. You can’t support her if you can’t support yourself. She knows she has to get better for herself and not just for you, she’s expecting you to take care of yourself just like she is focusing on herself too.”  
“Fuck,” was all Trixie could find herself to say.  
\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
Katya was suddenly nervous to see her own wife. She woke up 20 minutes earlier than she needed to for vitals, and was shaking the entire time Deb was checking her.   
“A little anxious today?” Deb questioned.  
“Huh? Oh, yeah. Have to have breakfast and couples therapy today,” Katya responded shortly.  
“Well, I’m sure both will go great. Keep your end goal in mind and it will be easier,” Deb said with a soft smile.  
“Thanks, Deb,” Katya said on her way out. Deb quickly noted in her chart that she was less talkative and anxious. She had a soft spot for Katya, and was worried to see what path she would go down.  
At breakfast Katya sat next to Nicole. Even though they didn’t have much time to talk, it was always nice to sit next to someone familiar during a scary time like meals. Katya was given a personalized plate of a veggie omelet and yogurt. Thankfully because she still had her feeding tube her meals were quite small, something the other girls would give her side-eyes for. Nicole never got upset though, and understood that she would rather eat a larger meal than to be tubed and facing death like Katya. She had started rounding out more, was stuck wearing her leggings and oversized t-shirts since she had grown out of her other clothes. Katya envied her recovery and wanted to be doing as well as she was. They chatted lightly, which kept Katya’s anxiety under control. With just two minutes left of meal time Katya finished her last bite of yogurt. She finally felt accomplished; full, but accomplished. Nicole smiled at her and the meal staff looked relieved and happy at such a small, but meaningful accomplishment. Katya was uncomfortably full walking towards the day room to wait for Trixie. She hated the feeling, but knew it was something to talk about during therapy. It was only a few moments before Trixie came in, early as usual, looking around the room for Katya before finally landing on her. As soon as she saw Katya her face softened, and she smiled as she walked over. Both could sense each other’s nervousness, and they sat on the small, hard loveseat together holding hands while they waited for Ginger to come get them.   
“How was breakfast?” Trixie asked, worried about the answer. Katya looked up to her proudly,  
“I finished. All of it. I’m so full right now, but I finished.”  
A single tear fell onto Trixie’s cheek.   
“I’m so proud of you,” She said before giving Katya a quick kiss, only to be interrupted by the whirring of Katya’s feeding tube.   
“I can’t wait to be done with this thing,” Katya said with a small laugh, trying to cut the tension.  
“There’s nothing to be worried about Trix,” She tried when Trixie was still rigid and shaky.   
“I know, it’s just fear of the unknown I guess,” Trixie said as she gave Katya’s hand a quick squeeze.  
“Kat? Hey Trixie! Let’s head back and we can get started.” Ginger appeared from the hallway with a clipboard, summoning them back. They walked behind Ginger to Jinkx’s office hand in hand, ready to face their demons together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HEYYYOOOOO!!! I"m trying to post a little more often for everyone, and I'm really enjoying taking the time to write this. As always, comments and suggestions are appreciated! I'm not sure how much longer this fic will be, but I'm already thinking of some options for new ones that I may start while still working on this one. Give me a follow on tumblr, katntrix!!! Enjoy!


	10. Progress

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Katya and Trixie focus on themselves and learn about each other in couples therapy.

Ginger expected the session to last around an hour, her usual scheduled time, but with the headway they were making she figured they should keep going. She was still in therapist mode, but knew what she was doing was as an act of kindness for a friend. She wasn’t getting paid to do this, so going over time wouldn’t make a difference.  
“So Trixie, when you say you feel like you’re incapable of caring for Katya, what do you mean?” Ginger questioned.  
“I mean that I always think she deserves better. Obviously I’m not certified in anything that would benefit her, and I have my own problems too. I want to be the one to help her but I don’t want to give her the wrong kind of help, if that makes sense,” Trixie said.  
“It does make sense. Any feelings make sense, Trix. Kat what do you have to say about that?”  
Katya sat next to Trixie on the hideously patterned couch. It reminded her of a dress she used to wear before Trixie said she would never go out in public with her with it on.   
“Kat?” Trixie asked with her eyebrow raised.  
“Sorry! Distracted. Babe, I don’t want you to think you have to be my therapist. That’s what I have this bitch for,” She gestured to Ginger who snorted and rolled her eyes. “But I do want you to be a part of this journey with me. You’re allowed to say no, and maybe you want me to do this on my own, but just know that it’s something I am going to be doing for myself. Our relationship might get a little rocky because my focus will be on this. Are you okay with that?”  
“What? Yes! Yes, God Kat that’s all I want. I want you to do this for yourself, but if you need support along the way I just need to be taught how to help for those moments.” Trixie said.  
“Well I think I could be a great help in that then!” Suggested Ginger, “I’ll give you each a worksheet to fill out before next week. Then we’ll come back and discuss some things that you both may want from the other. Sound good?”   
Both women nodded and thanked Ginger, who saw them out into the day room.  
“I love you Kat. I’m proud of you.” Trixie said while her eyes teared up.  
“I love you too you huge baby, give me a hug. Watch the tube though.” Katya said and she reached for her wife. The two quickly kissed goodbye, Trixie waving and talking about what time she would visit tomorrow. Katya sighed when she couldn’t see her through the door anymore and headed to the restroom before going to a light yoga session with a few of the other girls.  
As she walked in the restroom she could hear the obvious sounds of purging. SHe was immediately triggered and walked out of the restroom, not even stopping to ask if whoever it was if they were okay.   
“Deb!” Katya rushed into the vitals room.  
“Hey sweet pea! You don’t need to see me for quite awhile longer today!”  
“Shut up Deb I’m not here for vitals! Someone was purging in the bathroom.”  
“Oh. Oh!” Debbie quickly moved past Katya into the nurses station to report the incident to Nurse Violet, the scariest of the nursing staff. Katya cringed as she realized the trouble she just got the girl into.  
“Let’s go.” Violet demanded as Katya reluctantly followed her to the restroom.   
“I’m sorry I’m sure she didn’t mean to, I just was triggered maybe I overreacted and she was actually ill from something I don’t know the circumstances and--”   
“Zip it.” Violet said, cutting off her rambling. She put her ear against the restroom door where she could still hear the sound of gagging. Violet barged into the bathroom.   
“Out. Now.”  
Katya was shaking outside the bathroom door, wondering who she condemned to Violet’s wrath.  
“Nicole. I’m disappointed in you.” She could hear Violet say. The bathroom door opened as Violet lead Nicole out by her arm as Katya moved to the side. Nicole stared at her as they walked down the hallway to the vitals room, closing the door behind them. Katya felt miserable, and being combined with the full feeling she still had from breakfast, she wasn’t sure she would make it to her yoga session anymore.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------   
As soon as Trixie made it back to work after the session, she knew she wouldn’t be able to focus. She grabbed her things and told her boss she wasn’t feeling well, escaping to her car before starting a full-blown panic attack. She fumbled for her phone and shakingly typed in the numbers. After almost a full minute of ringing she finally answered,  
“Ginger! I..I need help. I can’t--I can’t breathe.”  
“Trixie, hey, relax. Where are you? Are you safe?”  
“I think so. I’m in--in the parking garage?”  
“Which parking garage? At work?”  
“Yes.” She said, trying to catch her breath.  
“Don’t drive. Put your head between your legs. I’ll be right there.”  
Not more than eight minutes later Ginger was rapping her knuckles on Trixie’s car window.  
She unlocked the door with her head still in between her legs. Ginger rubbed her back while crouching down to be at her eye level.  
“Trix, let’s talk about this. What’s going on?”  
“I don’t know. I just felt overwhelmed. That’s all I can feel right now.”  
“Let’s get you to your place.” Ginger said, taking Trixie’s hand.  
When they walked into Trixie and Katya’s still bare home, Ginger could smell the bleach that Trixie had been using to make her home feel like the perfect clean and spotless home she aimed for.   
“Jesus open a window will ya! My nose hairs are burning. This place is immaculate.” Ginger said jokingly. Trixie began to cry at the comment, putting her head in her hands to sob.  
“I’m a pig. The house is trash, it’s so quiet and lonely with Katya here. I can’t live like this anymore.”   
“Trixie, hey I was kidding. Come sit.”  
The two went to the couch that Trixie hadn’t had time to sit on for weeks since going from work to Chapman to see her wife. Those thoughts made her more upset.  
“What’s going on?” Ginger prompted.  
“I can’t lose her. I’m so worried she won’t make it through this time even if she is working really hard.”  
“She’s making progress, Trixie. I promise you that. She is taking the steps she needs to so that she can be back here with you. It’s going to be a difficult fight, but she’s doing it and you’re doing a great job at supporting her through it.” Ginger consoled her.  
“I just feel like there’s more I could be doing.” Trixie confided.  
“You need to focus on yourself first. You’re obsessively cleaning as a way to try to make up for the fact that you feel helpless about Kat’s situation. I know you’ve always been clean, but God Trix, I have never seen you like this.”  
“I didn’t even realize that’s what I was doing...you’re right.” Trixie realized.  
The two talked for almost an hour, with Trixie making some realizations about herself too.   
“I’ll see you next week, don’t hesitate to call again if you need to. And work on that homework I gave you and you’re old hag of a wife!” Ginger said as she walked out the door. A scuff from Ginger’s shoe was left on the hardwood, and Trixie was already itching to scrub it off. Instead, she relaxed her shoulders, thought about how she could help Katya, and retreated to relax in the living room for what felt like the first time in eternity.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys!!! It has been a MINUTE! Things are pretty hectic in my schedule, but I'll always find time to come back to this work! Give me a follow on tumblr, katNtrix, or just stop by to chat in the comments here too! I love feedback, it makes me a better writer. ENJOY KITTY GIRLS!


	11. Batshit Crazy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Katya finally sees success, and Trixie hits a wall.

 

It had been a week since Katya had talked to Nicole. She knew that Nicole was close to being able to go home, and she couldn’t stop feeling guilty that she landed her more time in what seemed like a personalized hell. Katya was itching to self-harm, purge, restrict, anything. She was anxious and found it hard to focus on the recovery she was supposed to be fighting for. Between gaining weight and making her leggings stretch until the seemed like they were about to pop and the weight on her shoulders from Nicole and Trixie, she felt like a failure. She didn’t want Nicole to be mad at her, and she wanted to be home and happy with Trixie to keep her sane too. Katya knew that if she gave up now, though, she may not have another chance to keep trying. She still went to meals, still allowed the nose bleeds from her NG tube not to get the best of her, and kept her nails short to refrain from scratching herself until she bled. Her bathroom trips were still monitored by staff, and she didn’t have the energy in her to fight them. Her motivation was dwindling, but she was excited for her couples therapy session with Ginger and Trixie the following day. She slowly padded into the vitals room as she did every morning, expecting another few pounds gained that would make her more upset.

“Hey! Where’s my chipper Kat this morning? You look almost as pissed as when you first came in here.”   
“Morning Debbie. I’m just tired today,” Katya responded while pulling Trixie’s oversized pink hoodie over her head for Deb to check her arms. 

“Well I have something that might cheer you up then,” Debbie said while motioning for Katya to sit on the small exam table. 

“It better either be a kitten or a cigarette,” Katya responded dryly while allowing her temperature to be taken.

“Your one pound away from getting that tube out,” She said while holding the thermometer. Katya’s mouth opened, causing Deb to roll her eyes.

“Under your tongue, dork.” She said.

Katya slowly moved Debbie’s hand and the thermometer from her mouth.

“You mean if I’ve gained one more pound this morning I can finally get this thing out?” Katya asked bewildered, motioning to the stand holding her liquid nutrition.

“Yes now let me take your temperature.” Deb explained exasperated. Katya was vibrating with excitement. Something so small made her feel like her work was finally making progress somewhere. She knew she was gaining weight, but it felt phenomenal to be trusted enough with meals to continue that journey. She didn’t know she still even had dopamine to make her feel so happy and excited over he own hard work. Debbie motioned to the scale,

“Face me, stay still. I know you’re excited, but if you didn’t gain there’s always tomorrow too.”

Katya stayed still as she listened to the scale make one, two, then three beeps before becoming quiet. Debbie leaned over Katya’s shoulder while writing down the number on her clipboard, careful to keep Katya from seeing. 

“DEB! Hello!!!!!” Katya said excitedly.

“1.3 pounds gained. Let’s get this thing out of you girly.” Deb said with a proud smile on her face. Katya sat on the exam table while Debbie went to file paperwork that Katya was officially able to remove her NG tube based on her performance. She wasn’t allowed to sit alone, though. Debbie had nurse Violet keep an eye on Katya while filing the forms. Katya didn’t mind much, she was still proud of herself and didn’t think being with Violet would change that.

“Katya,” Violet said as she sat in the chair next to the exam table.

“Violet,” Katya said with a subdued smile, kicking her feet while she sat and waited with a buzz to finally be free from dragging her tube alongside her everywhere.

“How’s your wife?” Violet asked, trying to make small talk. Katya was excited for Trixie to find out. She was still debating calling her today and telling her, or waiting to show her in person tomorrow as a surprise.

“Fine,” Katya responded shortly, still deciding on her choice in her mind. Violet brought a weird energy to the room, while she sat slouched in all black scrubs and dark, thick eyeliner. Katya wondered what she must have been like as a student. Obviously intelligent enough to become an RN. Just as the pair began to shift more uncomfortably, Debbie reentered the room.

“Alright girly, let’s get this over with.” Debbie said as Violet exited the room.

Katya had done this before, knowing it sucked, but getting it out was always much better than getting it put in.

“Take a huge, deep breath and hold it on the count of three.” Deb instructed.

“One, two, three,” Debbie said. As soon as Katya took her deep breath in, the tube was tugged on. It felt like an eternity coming up, but Debbie was able to remove it without Katya vomiting. It was the easiest removal Katya had ever had.   
“Okay, let’s clean you up a bit,” Deb said as she wiped Katya’s nose with a tissue. 

“Thank you,” Katya said, “Thank you, thank you, thank you,” She continued.

“I’m proud of you,” Nurse Debbie said.

 

Katya felt lighter that entire day. She went to breakfast and was ready to prove that she could maintain her weight without her trusty kangaroo tube. She noticed Nicole staring at her, and when they made eye contact she gave Katya a small smile from down the table. Katya was sad to not have her meal buddy, but she gave her a small smile back and continued to eat. She decided to call Trixie later that day to tell her the news during phone hours. There were only two rings before Trixie answered hecticly, 

“Hi Babe!” Trixie said, sounding out of breath.

“Trix! Guess what!” Katya said.

“Hm?” Trixie asked, seeming distracted.

“My tube is out, I’m free now Barbara.” Katya said with a huge smile plastered across her face.

“What! Kat that’s amazing! I’m so proud of you!” Trixie said, sounding sincere.

“Deb said that if I don’t keep gaining or at least maintaining though that I’ll have to get it back in, but I still ate everything so far today and I feel HUNGRY I might even ask for a snack and--”

“Katya that’s great babe, I’m so proud of you. I really need to go though, I’m at work and super busy and I just--”   
“No, no it’s okay. I’m sorry! I’ll see you tomorrow, love you.” Katya said deflated.

“I’m sorry, see you tomorrow,” Trixie said before hanging up in a rush. 

Katya slowly placed the phone back for the next girl to use, a little shocked at Trixie. She was more concerned than hurt, but decided that they could just talk about it during couples therapy. She went and knocked lightly on Nicole’s door.

 

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Trixie wasn’t at work that day. She wasn’t at work the day before, either. She hadn’t left the house for four days, actually. She told Katya she had been busy at work to get out of visiting her, talking to her, facing her. She felt completely inadequate of a wife. She told herself over and over again that it was her fault that Katya was facing the life threatening situation she was. She thought that if she had been a better wife, listened more, cleaned more, cooked more, made more, that Katya wouldn’t be where she was. She didn’t deserve Katya, she wanted her to be happy. Trixie had spend the four days cleaning their entire home from top to bottom. Organizing drawers of spices, first aid, and anything else that didn’t require alphabetization. She ordered cookbooks, folded and refolded all of their clothes, found herself asleep on the bathroom floor after scrubbing for hours. She felt completely batshit crazy, but she didn’t want anyone to know about it. She was completely out of control of everything happening. She knew avoiding everything wouldn’t make it better, rationally, but it felt like the only option for her. Looking in the mirror after hanging up on Katya, before saying I love you, she looked like someone who had just survived an apocalypse. Her hair was greasy and knotted, her mascara smudged under her eyes. She hadn’t followed her proper skin care routine making her break out. She leaned over the sink and sobbed, not knowing what she was doing. This was the lowest point of her life, but she couldn’t let anyone know. She needed to be there for Katya, and no one would let her do that if they saw where she was now. Craving something to make her calm down, she wondered what Katya felt after purging. She knew she had always been exhausted after vomiting, and she wanted anything to make her stop feeling anything at all. She slowly walked to the toilet, kneeled, and tried shoving her finger down her throat. She gagged, but couldn’t vomit. She tried again, tears streaming out of her eyes and feeling like she couldn’t breathe. Nothing. Getting frustrated, she grabbed for her toothbrush. She shoved the end down, gagging once, twice, and then finally feeling bile rush up and into the toilet. She did it again, and again, until she was so out of breath she stopped. She flushed the toilet, feeling finally relieved of the pain, anxiety, and frustration of the past few weeks. She retreated to the bed she shared with Katya, rolling her eyes at the stupid pattern of the sheets that Katya insisted on after Trixie had chosen a plain, pale pink duvet. She was finally able to rest and sleep without worrying about a thing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow hiiiiiiiiiiiii sorry for the emotions during this. Not sure what got into me LOL maybe it was the holiday season making me actually psychotic. Anyways, leave some feedback and let me know thoughts!


	12. 'Till Death Do Us part

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> WOW! Been a MINUTE! I'd apologize and explain how my professional career is crumbling and that's why it's been so long but :)))) better not. ENJOYYYYYY.

“Nicole?” Katya asked timidly as she cracked open the door. “It’s Kat,” She said, waiting for a response.   
“You can come in,” She heard Nicole say, almost as low as a whisper.  
“Look, I didn’t mean for you to still have to be--”  
“Katya, it’s fine. What you did was the right thing. Don’t think I’m mad at you, I’m just disappointed in myself.” Nicole explained. Katya nodded as she looked at her feet.   
“You can come sit, idiot,” Nicole gestured to sit next to her on the foot of her bed with a smile.  
Katya made eye contact and smiled back. She was so concerned that Nicole would hate her for making her stay here, but she was relieved that Nicole understood why she did what she did.  
“What’s the news?” Katya asked. Afraid that Nicole would have also been told she was close to death.  
“Honestly, they just want to make sure I can be trusted again. I’ve gained enough to prove myself, but they don’t want to make me go home just to lose everything again. They said I have to show mental improvement, not physical.”  
Katya stared at her hands clasped on her lap. She wished she didn’t think it, but she felt jealous that Nicole didn’t need to gain anymore weight.  
“What about you though? I saw you got your tube out, that’s awesome!” Nicole said sincerely. She touched Katya’s arm softly, looking genuinely thrilled for her.  
“Yeah, I did.” Katya answered with a soft smile. After her phone call with Trixie her excitement wore off. She was happy to be free, but something didn’t sit right with her. Nicole interrupted her thoughts, “Listen, I have family therapy with my mom soon. But we can talk at dinner?”  
“Yeah, yeah. Good luck.” Katya said softly as she left to retreat back to her own room.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
Trixie woke up dazed and confused. Her throat was throbbing and sore, and she was so lightheaded she wanted to sleep for 12 more hours. She sat up slowly. “Is this what coming down from a high is like?” she thought to herself. Surely Katya didn’t feel this way every time she purged. How did it relax her so much? Trixie could feel herself getting more frustrated with every thought. She walked to the bathroom, holding onto the wall the entire way to not lose her balance. She looked like an absolute mess. She knew she had to go see Katya. She couldn’t blow off their couples therapy with Ginger or Katya would know something was wrong for sure. Against her will, Trixie got into the shower and slowly began detangling the rats nest that were her long curls. After what felt like an eternity, she was finally able to complete her usual routine. Her makeup was lighter than usual, but she didn’t have the energy to put anymore on than she already did. She found a soft pink t-shirt and her favorite boyfriend jeans, and pulled her wet hair into two braids. A casual look for anyone else, she knew Katya and Ginger would think she had completely lost her mind. SHe grabbed her purse and keys and made her way to Chapman.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
Katya was almost sure her leg was about to fly off from the way she was shaking it. Sitting in the day room waiting for Trixie gave her enough anxiety to want to die. The uncomfortable and horrifically designed room made it worse, and the entire room smelled like hand sanitizer. Just ask she was thinking of asking for one of her cigarettes, she noticed a figure standing next to her.   
“Kat? You okay babe?” Trixie asked.  
“Tri--What? I didn’t even notice you come in. What’s wrong?” Obviously influenced by her casual attire. Trixie rolled her eyes.  
“I can’t be comfortable for one day?”  
“Literally, no. You can’t.” Katya said perplexed.   
“It’s fine,” Trixie said as she sat next to Katya on the rock hard, plastic couch. “How are you?” She asked Katya.  
“I’m fine! I’m tired. I gained some weight though. Eating on my own now,” She happily gestured to her tube-free nose smiling.  
“I’m so proud of you,” Trixie said, holding onto Katya’s hands. Even though she was sincere, Katya could tell Trixie had lost her usual spunk.  
“What’s going on with you?” katya asked, holding Trixie’s chin up to see her face. Trixie’s eyes were fixed on the floor.  
“Nothing Kat,” She said softly.   
“I know you. We can talk about it when Ginger gets here.” Katya suggested. Trixie nodded softly. She had a difficult time making eye contact with Katya while they waited hand in hand in the sterile day room.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
“You’re both really radiating positivity today,” Ginger said sarcastically as their session was going nowhere. Neither woman expressed how they actually felt internally. Both responded to Ginger’s probing questions with “yes,” “no,” “fine,” “great,” and “ok.”   
“Listen, I’m going to get real with both of you right now. I know you’re both trying to push back your actual feelings to keep from hurting the other. Get over it. This is the time we have to hash things out, and repressing it is going to hurt your wife more than the words you want to say.”  
Trixie and Katya’s eyes flickered to each other. The moment of holding eye contact seemed that it would last the entire rest of the session, but finally Trixie broke. Her eyes began watering and she opened her mouth to confess.  
“I purged last night,” She admitted. Not making eye contact with either other woman. She could feel Katya tense next to her, obviously triggered and confused.  
“You--huh?” Even Ginger wasn’t sure what to say.   
“I wanted to feel the relief that Kat does. I haven’t been to work all week. I reek of bleach and my hands are permanently pruned. I’ll be surprised if my nose hairs grow back after being burned out. Great news is that the house is spotless for your return babe,” She said, trying to add some humor to obviously lessen the blow of the reality of her actions.  
“Trixie, I’m not sure what to say,” Katya said, retracting from her a few inches. She seemed disgusted, but mostly concerned and confused.  
“I’m sorry,” Trixie said, beginning to break down. “I feel like a failure of a wife. I’m supposed to make you happy. I can’t even keep you from relapsing. I don’t deserve you, you need someone that can help you and--”  
“Trixie stop.” Katya said, almost angrily. “I never, NEVER, asked for my wife to be my therapist. No offense Ginger,” Katya said. Ginger putting up her hands in defense, obviously taking notes on their encounter. “You do make me happy. You make me the happiest goddamn person in the world. If we weren’t together I would probably be dead. I don’t want you to think that you need to be a professional in this to help me. I just want Trixie. Not a doctor, not a dietician, not a psychiatrist. I just want you to have my back and support me. I’m still figuring things out, I want to be able to recover independently, but I will always want you by my side while I do it.”   
Trixie was silent for a moment. Her tears were still streaming down her face.  
“Trixie, do you agree with Katya?” Ginger probed.  
“I do. I feel selfish and guilty, and those are feelings I’ll need to work out on my own. Probably with you Ging, but I want you to know that I will always be there with you. ‘Till death do us part, duh.” Trixie said. She felt relieved. She understood a little more of Katya’s intentions and feelings. Obviously she has some of her own shit to deal with, but she could at least start somewhere.   
“Okay, I would call this a good place to stop. Katya, your turn to spill your guts next time. Trix, let’s meet individually tomorrow if you can. I’ll let you guys say goodbye.” Ginger stood and hugged both women before closing the door to the room behind her.  
“I love you so much,” Katya said, holding Trixie’s face in her hands. “Also, you look beautiful on your lazy days.” Trixie chuckled and held Katya’s hands.  
“I’m so sorry. I know this isn’t about me and I--”  
“It’s allowed to be about you too. There’s no rules in this. Everyone’s affected.” Katya said.  
“I know. I guess we both have work to do now, huh.” Trixie said.  
“We do. And we’ll support each other. Always.” Katya said with her forehead against Trixie’s. Her huge brown eyes made her heart race. They hadn’t been this close for awhile, and she could smell that Trixie used her shampoo by the scent. When Trixie leaned in to kiss her it felt like their first kiss all over again. Katya was so overcome with emotion she started to tear up.  
“Are you okay? What’s wrong?” Trixie asked, obviously concerned.  
“I’m fine. I’m happy.” Katya said.  
They sat intertwined on the hard couch for what felt like an hour, not realizing how much they had missed each other’s touch.   
“I’ll see you soon.” Trixie said, as she realized it was time to go.   
“I love you,” Katya said, trying to memorize how she looked, smelled, and felt.   
“Love you more, be good.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if the title is misleading lololol lmk if it gave you a heart attack. Also, feed back is appreciated!!! I cannot grow as a writer without it!!! I love you all. AS4 is giving me a run for my money (literally. Fantasy league is destroyed).


	13. Sleep on it

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Katya may be facing her end at Chapman, but what will life be like when she has to continue recovery at home?

Two Months Later

An agonizing two months testing both Trixie and Katya mentally and physically. Trixie met regularly with Ginger to talk about her own mental health and her past with her step-father leading her to feel inadequate in every way. Katya struggled slowly to continue gaining weight and understanding why she felt the need to restrict in the first place. After what felt like an endless loop of only seeing each other for therapy sessions, Trixie and Katya found themselves packing Katya’s belongings at Chapman into her suitcase, finally taking her home.

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“Do you have your teddy?” Trixie asked, going down her mental list so that Katya wouldn’t leave anything at the partial prison, partial home.  
“Trix! Sh! Don’t say it that loud...and yes I do. Jasper is safely secured in the suitcase.” Katya responded in a hushed tone.  
A soft knock rapped on the ajar door, and Deb stuck her head in.  
“Hi girly!” She said quietly, still not coming in the room. “Got a minute?”  
Katya looked at Trixie and her basically bare room, and Trixie gave her a confident nod. Katya walked out into the hallway to see Debbie. To her surprise, Deb gave her a bear hug.   
“Okay, cute. I don’t really like be touched though--,” Katya started, her arms trapped at her sides by Deb’s strong grip.  
“Sh. Shut up.” Deb insisted. After a short minute she pulled away, holding Katya out to look at her growth.  
“I am so so proud of you, and the work you’ve put in here. You’re one of my favorite success stories, don’t tell Nicole.”  
Nicole had left Chapman a month earlier, and frequently wrote Katya letters talking about how she moved away from her mom and was enjoying life on her own. Katya considered her a success story, but never herself.  
“Debbie, look, I’m not great with expressing myself but Chapman has taught me to try. So, I’m really grateful you were here to help me get through this. I went from death’s door to going back home with my wife, and I really can’t thank you enough.” Katya said, trying to look anywhere b Debbie’s tearfilled eyes.  
“You don’t need to, but promise you’ll visit.” Deb said, holding both of Katya’s hands. Katya smiled and looked back at her, “Of course,” she said.  
After a final goodbye to Deb and everyone else there, Katya rolled her suitcase out of the front door hand in hand with Trixie.  
“Hurry Barbara, before they change their mind!” Katya said and Trixie put the luggage in the trunk.  
“I didn’t know this was an abduction situation but okay,” Trixie said sarcastically as she got into the drivers seat.  
“Ready?” She asked Katya, who was relaxed in the passenger seat as if she was already home.  
“I’ve been ready.” She said while looking out of the window.  
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A few days later, the two had been getting back into their regular routine. Trixie got a new job as a quality control manager at one of her favorite makeup companies, and felt much happier. Katya was actively looking for a new job to keep her busy and away from the house.   
“Why don’t you look at public speaking?” Trixie offered, making them dinner based on Katya’s nutritionist’s menu.   
“Why would I look into public speaking?” She asked, sitting at the island watching Trixie whisk God-only-knows together, while her thighs jiggled from the force.  
“What you’ve been through. There are so many other people that would want to hear about it.” Trixie said, still whisking away from Katya.  
“I’m not too sure about that,” Katya said. She wanted Trixie to think she had already made up her mind that the idea was ludicrous, but something about it was sticking.  
“Sleep on it,” Trixie responded, knowing she just got Katya hooked on the idea.

That night they both couldn’t sleep. Katya was milling over the idea that Trixie gave her. How many people would actually want to hear her story? What made her special? How could she support herself and Trixie by going around talking? Was she strong enough yet to even talk about it constantly to strangers? 

Trixie, on the other hand, was focused on something entirely different. It had been so long since she got to sleep in bed with her wife, and for some reason since she got home they had seemed disconnected intimately. Finally, Trixie broke the tension,  
“Are you mad at me?” she asked in a voice that barely broke a whisper.  
“What?” Katya rolled over and stared at her. “Why would I be mad?”  
“Idk I feel like you don’t want to touch me,” Trixie said, looking away.   
“Are you joking?” Katya said smiling, almost laughing.  
“It’s not funny!” Trizie pouted. “Why is it funny?”  
“I can’t keep my eyes off of you mama, that’s why it’s funny.” Katya said, outwardly laughing now.  
“Then why haven’t you done anything?!” Trixie said, exasperated at this point.  
“I didn’t know if you were comfortable. Does anyone know the right time to start shagging your wife again after you get back from lala land?” She said, curling Trixie’s hair around her finger.  
“This is why you need to speak to people. Does it matter? Is there even a designated time? People need to know that it’s okay to have sex with their partners even if they’re recovering!” Trixie was fully sitting up straight in bed now, getting energized by Katya’s question.  
“Lay down,” Katya told her. Not laughing this time, but a gentle, low voice. She guided Trixie to lay on her back, and felt the goosebumps on her arm. Trixie hadn’t heard her voice like that in awhile, but knew what mood it meant she was in. Her heart was racing, and Katya gave her the lightest, warmest kiss on the lips.   
“Go to sleep,” She said. Trixie’s mouth hung open.   
“What?” She said?  
“Go to sleep,” Katya said again, moving the hair out of Trixie’s face.There was a hint of a smirk on her face.  
“But, your voice. And--and you said you wanted to--”   
“Trix, get sleep. We have our whole lives.” Katya explained to her shocked wife.  
After more convincing, Trixie was finally asleep on Katya’s chest. She was warm, soft, and made Katya feel like she was finally, genuinely home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HELLERRRRRRRR! I feel like I always talk about how sorry I am that it takes me so long to write but 2019 is me not apologizing! Sorry not sorry! Let me know what you think! I wanted to end the story once Kat got home, but now I'm think of continuing it. Thoughts???


	14. Loose Thread

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trixie and Katya look forward to moving on with their lives, including their sex life.

The next few days passed slowly, Katya felt more challenged than ever having to work on recovery alone while Trixie started her new job. She often turned to yoga as a form of exercise and mental strengthening, but now there was so much to keep in mind while doing it. Had she eaten before? How many calories could she burn before it started getting dangerous? What will she need to eat after to make sure she doesn’t lose progress? Is this just a form of relapse? Obviously yoga wasn’t a huge damper on Katya’s calorie intake, but there was just more surrounding it that she wouldn’t have to think of before.

Katya woke to Trixie fishing around in her bedside table. She barely opened her eyes, “What are you looking for?” She asked.  
“Shit sorry, I didn’t want to wake you. I want to wear your old perfume, smelling like a grandma might make people respect me.” Trixie said lowly.  
“Shut up,” Katya said as a smile formed on her face. “It’s in the vanity cabinet in the bathroom.”  
“Thanks babe,” Trixie said hurriedly, pressing a quick kiss on Katya’s forehead before she fell back asleep.

When she woke up again, it was 8 AM. Trixie had already left for the day, knowing L.A traffic would make her commute double the time it would anywhere else. Katya slowly got out of bed, went to brush her teeth and wash her face, and then knew it was time for breakfast.

Meals were a lot easier than Katya had expected. Her dietician had given her a full menu of what she should eat and when. All she had to do was buy and prepare the food. Today she knew some eggs and toast were on her menu, and she wasn’t dreading it. She knew she would feel better about it after some yoga and a light walk around the neighborhood. As she ate her breakfast, she started thinking about what Trixie had told her about public speaking, and how it could be a path that she goes down. She was starting to get pretty bored of sitting and eating all day, and she felt pretty strong where she was now. She sat and ate at the kitchen island with her laptop in front of her, watching other eating disorder survivors tell their stories. Before she knew it, she had spent almost two hours absorbing the other experiences people went through. Some were similar to hers, and some were completely different. Some had made her cry, and some had made her laugh. Others made her feel like if they could do it, so could she. She started to see the importance of how powerful her story could be.

“Kat! Im home!” Trixie said, taking her shoes off at the front door looking exhausted.  
“Hey! How was your day?” Katya swooped in, giving Trixie a quick peck on the lips and she handed her the fluffy pink slippers that Trixie liked to wear around the house.  
“It was good, your perfume worked wonders. Everyone expects that I’m a 60-year-old woman who knows how to run shit,” Trixie said with a smirk.  
“You’re a jerk, you know?” Katya said, embracing her wife by the waist and looking into her eyes, smiling and feeling genuinely happy.  
They stayed in silence like that for a minute or two, until Trixie looked down and away.  
“I can make dinner tonight, I think those tofu enchiladas are on the menu,” Trixie said, backing away from Katya and heading towards the kitchen.  
“Let’s make ‘em together!” Katya suggested.  
“Sure, get in here chef Ramsey,” Trixie chuckled.

“I’ve been thinking about what you said,” Katya broke their awkward silence while eating.  
“What did I say? Was it stupid?” Trixie asked, pretending to be perplexed.  
“You know what you said. About the public speaking,” Katya said, looking back down at her plate of food shaking her leg from nerves about talking about what she may actually want to do.  
“Stop shaking, it’s against the rules you know that.” Trixie interrupted, putting her hand on Katya’s thigh to keep her from justling.  
“Sorry! Okay, um, so I think I want to do it,” Katya said quickly.  
“I think you’d be great at it,” Trixie said, finding Katya’s eyes, her hand was still on her thigh.

After a rerun of Full House, Katya and Trixie headed to bed. Katya was reading, when Trixie turned over exasperated.  
“Kat,” She said shortly.  
“Hm,” Katya said, still absorbed in her story.  
“I have been sexually frustrated for like, months.” She said, playing with a loose thread on the comforter. Katya put her book down, looking over at Trixie who had decidedly worn her light pink satin camisole and short pajama set.  
“And what would you like me to do about that?” She said, knowing she could tease Trixie the entire night and still enjoy it.  
“Fix it,” Trixie whined. Katya knew she could play games with Trixie, but she looked so desperate already. She purposely work her most revealing pajamas, and was touching Katya lightly all over since the first sat on the couch to watch tv.   
“Come here,” Katya said, abandoning her book to her night stand as Trixie rolled over to straddle Katya.  
Katya grabbed onto Trixie’s thick thighs lightly, caressing her fingers up and down until she saw the goosebumps on Trixie’s skin.   
“I missed you,” Trixie said, before leaning in for a kiss.  
“I missed you too,” Katya said, returning the favor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oops, the next chapter is going to be my attempt at smut. Sorry!!

**Author's Note:**

> Hey y'all! This is my first work so PLEASE let me know how you guys are feeling about it! If anyone has any suggestions tell me so I can make this as successful of a first work as possible.


End file.
